BREAKING NEWS: Country goes “Team Malaria” as racist Cheryl chooses Cher.

Cheryl Cole has once again managed to piss off the entire country as she gave ageing Drag Queen, Cher, a place on the live X Factor shows ahead of someone who “just happens to be black,” according to the singer.

In the last round of auditions worth watching, both Cher and another white girl (Katie something), fluffed their lines by getting all emotional, yet managed to get the nod ahead of divorce-ravaged Cole’s other, apparently less-worthy muse, Gamu Nhengu, who can sing.

Fans have been in uproar at the decision, with many demanding that Cher can either hold a tune “or get the fuck out of England”.

A defiant Cole, who once beat a toilet attendant up for being black, stated that she isn’t racist because “I let that black gey frem bleck eyed peez give us a proppa carrea in musak, like. There’s neu way ahm a reycist – Ah even married one fa fuck’s sake!”

Fellow X Factor judge and camp boy-band trafficker, Loius Walsh, was also baffled at the Geordie’s choice, claiming it to be the worst decision of her X-Factor career so far. He said: “At least Doina Vickers did dat annoying ‘witch-hand’ ting wid her fingers to distract from her ‘voice’. Cher just croid and didn’t even troi to be pretentious, te be sure. I mean, just who du fuck does Cheryl tink she is!? Je know whadda meyan?”

Protest from fans have urged Police to move Cheryl into protective custody after finding dead mosquitos in the singer’s post. “Team Malaria” shirts have also started to fly off the shelves.

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