BREAKING NEWS: Media says “Fight, fight, fight!” after Wikileaks yankee pen-pusher email shitstorm

Ahmadinejad: "Ah, fuck!"

The world’s media is petitioning Governments around the world to go at it like two whores bitch-fighting over the same patch, after the shitstorm Wikileaks created by publishing incoherent email ramblings from some American prick working for the US Government.

Rational people the world over are said to be both fearful and livid.

The emails, or “cables”, as they have never ever been referred to in human history, ever, reveal badly spelled musings about “someone’s” opinion on world leaders, and divulges the process used to take the US to war. The Saudi Arabian government, it is revealed, has also called for Iran to be “nuked til it’s fucking glowing” in anticipation of President Ahmadinejad’s order to step up the country’s pursuit of nuclear weapons.

The media has called for action on Iran, but only afer “an almighty ruck between the leaders of the G8 nations.” Reuters has sent out its best winder-uppers to various capitals in order to shame the various leaders in the hope it will cause World War Three, and Rupert Mudoch has arranged a “Max Mosely-style” spanking of half of the British Cabinet.

The content  of the documents is varied in terms of how the Communist contingent is treated, with one of the emails describing Colonel Gadaffi’s nurse as “OMG, a smokin-hot MILF with a massive rack – we should bug her shower” and describes how Vladimir Putin is “well hard, but not in a gay way.”

US President, Barack Obama is said to be embarrassed, after it was revealed he is “indifferent to whities” and British Prime Minister, David Cameron in particular. The Conservative leader is said to “Have his shit awwwl fucked up, with extremely conflicting ideologies. He cites Thatcher as his political heroine, yet apparently, the Smiths – fronted by a man who wrote a song called ‘Margaret on the guillotine’ – are his favourite band . That nigga’s cold!”

The Prime Minister has yet to respond to the revelations, but Vince Cable, who has nothing to do with the actual cables (stick with me), said “Well, these are emails from some paid-up nobody, so let’s not get carried away just yet. On the other hand, those Saudi’s are a naughty bunch of shits, aren’t they, eh!?”

The emails also reveal personal details about various world leaders, such as how Silvio Berlusconi’s fondnss of handjobs by young Italian women pretending to be his mother, with one email stating “he likes a good cry afterwards, too – bless him.” Treatment of other European leaders was mixed, with French President Sarkozy depicted as “a whimsical eunuch with a sexy wife.” German Chancellor, Andrea Merkel, who earned the nickname “Teflon” was  said “not to be fucked with in any way!”

Wikileaks has also released emails from the Associated Press that details a rumour yet to be stared about its founder, Julian Assange. One of the emails reads “we’ll say he bit the head off a new-born AIDS baby – people will hate him, finally.”

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