BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

managing director to withhold bonuses

Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

“Anyway, it’s a verbal contract, isn’t it? Not worth the paper they’re written on. Fucking mugs.”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”

“He’ll shit a brick.”

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BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
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Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The unemployed genius explained: “I’ve been through so much. You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate otherwise to us.”

Expanding upon on the his girlfriend’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debates. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true.”

“She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I ‘don’t even have a degree’, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents have just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

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“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide. That and the paradigm of the glass ceiling being broke means we’d no longer make such a big deal of a female state leader.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb, her father said. She has changed a bit, though, judging by some of the things she comes out with.”

“I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“She did get a first in her degree though, so I guess she’s earned all of her successes.”

BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
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Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for shit’s sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier. He’s probably here to see the directors, even though they don’t seem to have noticed.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”

Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dick


THAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to  park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed.
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Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in.

He commented: “Honnestly, I had no idea what those lines even were, haha. I’m shocked an appalled that other people think I’d purposely take up just the right amount of space to deter people from parking next to my car, just to avoid maybe scratching it…”

“The lease company would probably bill the company, but I wouldn’t care about paying for it myself anyway.”

Director Ray Dawson commented: “We’re all very pleased and relieved Nathan isn’t parking his BMW like some wet-nursed prick who doesn’t realise other people exist, anymore. I hope it’s got nothing to do with all the women in the office not really, you know, bothering with him.”

Payroll clerk, Sanrda Barnes said: “To be fair, this was only after a parking name and shame page was put up on the kitchen wall. His car was the only one on it.”

An helpful sounding Nathan concluded: “Can you still get in and out there? Thanks.”

Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo


A NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook.
young-woman-using-a-mobile-phone-pic-getty-images-580339023Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful.

The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of a sudden to like a simple photo, just because we’ve got nothing coming up soon. Maybe they’re jealous my husband and I are happy and they’re not?”

“Don’t they understand how much the day cost us?”

Best friend Janette Lawton, 29, commented: “Upset? Oh god – we get it – she got married. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I bought her that expensive De’Longhi kettle as a wedding present, but if I don’t like her photo for the 20th time I’m a complete cow.”

“To  be fair though, I had the same with my baby, but that’s because the appeal wears off.  You just have to move on to the next milestone and remind people you’ve got a new thing so the likes come back. That’s what life is.”

“Mine’s graduating from nursery next summer. I can’t wait to show everyone.”

“What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked


Social media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed.

School uniform photos Facebook

Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad I know what they are for the millionth time, can you just stop showing me now, thanks?”

“Are they only selecting the ugly ones for the photos or something?”

Social scientist and mentally balanced human, Ray Dawson, explained the rationale behind the craze. He said: “Studies have shown there’s something inherently ugly about a child in their uniform stood next to a front door, but what people might not know is that posting it on social media also makes you a terrible parent.”

“That’s why they’re so hard to look at.”

“Were advising people not to look directly at them as you can damage your eyesight. It’s kind of like when an eclipse happens but instead the damage is done, you know, to your soul?”

Bemused twitter adult, Becky Dinting, 26, commented: “I don’t get it. Is it because everyone stops being so when they grow up? They’re all posted with comments about “growing up so fast” – some of them even show you photos of years past, so you can see the progress their child has made in becoming so ugly.”

“It might be some weird right of passage you go through as a parent, where eventually you accept what everyone already else sees.”

“Maybe they’ve stopped celebrating their “graduation” from primary school now as well?”

“You live in hope.”