Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo


A NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook.
young-woman-using-a-mobile-phone-pic-getty-images-580339023Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful.

The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of a sudden to like a simple photo, just because we’ve got nothing coming up soon. Maybe they’re jealous my husband and I are happy and they’re not?”

“Don’t they understand how  much the day cost us?”

Best friend Janette Lawton, 29, commented: “Upset? Oh god, we get it, she got married. I don’t know what else to say – I bought her that expensive De’Longhi kettle as a wedding present, but if I don’t like her photo for the 20th time I’m a complete cow.”

“To  be fair though, I had the same with my baby, but that’s because the appeal wears off.  You just have to move on to the next milestone and remind people you’ve got a new thing so the likes come back. That’s what life is.”

“Mine’s graduating from nursery next summer. I can’t wait to show everyone.”

“What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked


Social media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed.

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Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad I know what they are for the millionth time, can you just stop showing me now, thanks?”

“Are they only selecting the ugly ones for the photos or something?”

Social scientist and mentally balanced human, Ray Dawson, explained the rationale behind the craze. He said: “Studies have shown there’s something inherently ugly about a child in their uniform stood next to a front door, but what people might not know is that posting it on social media also makes you a terrible parent.”

“That’s why they’re so hard to look at.”

“Were advising people not to look directly at them as you can damage your eyesight. It’s kind of like when an eclipse happens but instead the damage is done, you know, to your soul?”

Bemused twitter adult, Becky Dinting, 26, commented: “I don’t get it. Is it because everyone gets ugly when they grow up? They’re all posted with comments about “growing up so fast” – some of them even show you photos of years past, so you can see the progress their child has made in becoming so ugly.”

“It might be some weird right of passage you go through as a parent, where eventually you accept what everyone already else sees.”

“Maybe they’ve stopped celebrating their “graduation” from primary school now as well?”

“You live in hope.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”

Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred


A newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends.

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Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags.

Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker gushed: “We just want everyone to know how happy and in love we are. The thing is I know I can help my single friends find their true love. I guess some people just aren’t ready to be helped. That’s jealous bitches for you.”

Clearly punching husband, James, said he couldn’t explain the derision, admitting: “I don’t understand what all this is about – I’ve just done what I’ve been told.”

Claire Worsley, Leanne’s best friend and chief Bridesmaid revealed she is conflicted about their happiness, stating: “After their ropey start to their relationship, when James cheated with his prettier ex, I was so happy he had finally committed to her. But she’s changed.”

“She keeps telling me “don’t worry, you’ll find your person“. Every day she re-posts their wedding video with #lobsters, and I know for a fact they’re still updating their wedding board on Pinterest.”

The single 29 year-old explained: “I want to be happy for them, I really do, but she purposefully put us in those frumpy lemon dresses just to make sure we all looked like horrific pigs. Leanne’s probably just making the best of the situation because James is rich and OK looking, but his ex gave him the clap.”

“And who the fuck carries their wedding album around with them anyway?!” 

Five photos “not enough” to show how great life is, say childless women


Smug childless women are struggling to show just how great their lives are with just five photos on Facebook, it has emerged.

The “actually, genuinely happy without bragging about it” Facebook photo challenge is a call for all childless women to show what makes them happy in five photos, while giving the rest of us ten minutes peace from baby photos. Weirdly enough, everyone’s too busy to take the bait.

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29 year old Claire Gleeson, who has a cushy downtown flat with her best mate and fellow 10/10, Stella, said: “It’s a bit weird – you’d think we’re all bored or something to do some daft pointless trend on Facebook.” the PR exec squealed “Besides, between all the sex and holiday planning, there’s just too much to do. Eeeek!”

Becky Dinting, a 34 year old spinster and HR manager from Wilmslow criticised the tastefulness of the trend. Stating that her life of city breaks and afternoon tea is more than enough reward in itself without gloating, the milfy youngster added: “We want to show our solidarity for all the mums out there who’ve got too much on, what with constantly having apologise for their kids ruining the vibe in pubs every Sunday and all that. We should probably just let them have Facebook while we have a lie in instead.”

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Proud mum and keen kiddie snapper, Yvonne Downing, 27, agrees it’s probably for the best, stating: “Everyone knows Facebook is for kids photos anyway and you’re probably not a valid woman without a working uterus either. So these girls probably wouldn’t want to feign happiness with photos showing how they blow a month’s worth of nursery fees on sex-fuelled weekends in Marbella, or of their tits looking amazing in a bikini. And I can knock back wine as well as them, by the way. Just every now and again I do it, you know, to forget.”