JOE HART SET TO START FOR ITALIAN TV ADVERTS


DANDRUFF-FREE goalkeepy ad-man Joe Hart, 47, has spoken of his excitement at the prospect of endorsing a product in another language people wish he wouldn’t speak.

British goalkeeper Joe Hart gives a thumbs up upon his arrival for a medical check before joining the Torino football club from former club Manchester City on August 30, 2016 in Turin. England goalkeeper Joe Hart arrived in Turin on Agust 30 ahead of undergoing a medical that should see him sign a season-long loan deal with the unfashionable Serie A club. Hart, 29, has fallen out of favour with Pep Guardiola at Manchester City following the signing of Claudio Bravo from Barcelona and is set to join Torino in a bid to preserve his club future and international career following England's spectacular Euro 2016 exit. / AFP / Marco BERTORELLO (Photo credit should read MARCO BERTORELLO/AFP/Getty Images)

The flakeless flapper made the vow during an intense press conference, declaring: “People say I’m of no use to England, but I know that’s not the case. I have a winner’s mentality and I’ll be looking to impress, leading the line-up of new pasta sauces.”

“No, literally my face is going to be on the jars. I’ll probably be in all your cupboards.”

“To be honest I was hoping for a move to China, where I could be in one of their ‘wacky ads. I could have battled some weird 9ft tall demonic Sam Allardyce in a futuristic dystopia, where I save penalties in order to protect the Prince William.”

“Obviously it would be for a facial scrub.”

England Manager, Sam Allardyce has not ruled out a return for the once-footballer, stating that every player’s national place is in their own hands. He said: “If Joe’s advertising food, then I guess we can talk. I’ve always said that my players pick themselves with how they perform. BY the sounds of it, Joe’s getting some airtime for the wops.”

Hart has been criticised in the past for his choice of endorsements, such as the one for Head & Shoulders, despite having the most unmemorable head of hair to be seen on an English footballer.

Despite that, Hart still insists he has no regrets, stating: “I’ve never just advertised anything. I’ve always had standards and I’ll keep maintaining them.”

“Genocide? That’s Italian ice cream, right?”

“…how much?”

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Redknapp’s Dog to Consider Russia Job


‘Arry Redknapp’s dog, Rosie has officially thrown her tail into the ring of candidates for the vacant job of Russia football coach, stating that she would “make herself available, if the right opportunity presented itself”. According to her owner, Harry Redknapp.

Redknapp#s dog, rosie, tax

Reknapp with Rosie (left) and family lawyer, Buster.

The pooch is expected to be on The Russian Football Federation’s shortlist of candidates for the role, following Dick Advocaat’s resignation after Russia’s Euro 2012 exit. The RFF has yet to formally announce its shortlist, but it is also expected to feature Rosie’s owner, Harry Redknapp. According to Rosie’s manager, Harry Redknapp.

Earlier in the year, Rosie was dogged (…sorry) by allegations that she helped Redknapp avoid paying tax to HMRC in a court case that raised questions about the couple’s tax dealings. Both were ultimately found innocent.

The lucrative position is said to pay in the region of 10million Euros per year, however Rosie is expected to demand a big string of sausages (deposited into an offshore larder in the Cayman Islands), which is said to be a “deal-breaker”. According to Rosie’s agent, Harry Redknapp.

Speculation continues about who Rosie would appoint as assistant coach, according to her Executive Assistant, Harry Redknapp.

BREAKING NEWS: Rooney prostitute revealed as club-sanctioned ‘skank-ho’ of P-Diddy


Serial streetwalker (eurgh, sounds like an animal) banger, Wayne Rooney, who has come under fire for making his baby boy have sex with a prostitute, or something like that, was last night absolved of any wrongdoing by Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Manchester United boss revealed that the dirty thing in question actually belonged to pimp-rap-wannabe-icon, Diddy…or Puff Daddy, or Diddley or whatever he’s calling himself this week. The United team took time out from a sex session to pose for photos with Diddy (below), and Fergie spared no time in jumping to Rooney’s defence, declaring…

rooney prostitute “Ye hav te undershtand that in these teypes ef sitteyations, playersh git thi horn ahead of International dutey, so ye need a really good-ass ho, and that’s where Diddy comes in. Ahl onleh hav the very feinest skanky wee bitches fer mei team – and ye can print that!”