BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
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Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The unemployed genius explained: “I’ve been through so much. You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate otherwise to us.”

Expanding upon on the his girlfriend’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debates. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true.”

“She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I ‘don’t even have a degree’, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents have just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

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“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide. That and the paradigm of the glass ceiling being broke means we’d no longer make such a big deal of a female state leader.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb, her father said. She has changed a bit, though, judging by some of the things she comes out with.”

“I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“She did get a first in her degree though, so I guess she’s earned all of her successes.”

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Infantile graduate struggling with the whole “work” thing


A piece of shit newcomer to the workforce has endeared herself to colleagues by failing to grasp the concept of professional behaviour or something called “work”, it has been revealed.
woman officeEntitled PR graduate Becky Dinting, 23, joined the company in July as a junior exec and her so far stellar performance has resulted in out-annoying every single one of her colleagues, past or present.

Her more notable achievements to date include wearing last night’s clothes into the office, introducing slang into email campaigns and taking an extra hour for lunch on Fridays.

The graduate screech commented: “My manager Davey bitches about me being on my phone, but I don’t see the problem when it’s my life. You come to work to live, you know, not just to work.”

“I don’t complain much though, since I’m new. I guess it’s the “little things”, isn’t it?”

Manager David Dawson explained: “Honestly I wouldn’t give a shit if Becky did some work, but she seems to be oblivious to the fact she has an actual job. She needs to start listening to instructions and stop calling me ‘Davey’ too. And stay away from me.”

“It’s like we have to applaud her for showing up and answering the odd email. Because her dad’s mates with the owner, we’ve got to hire her.”

Regional sales Manager Ray Dawson added: “Her parents must be absolute dickheads. God, I hope I never meet them.”

“We’re pretty fucked if this is the future of our country …at least I get to die one day.”

“Isn’t her probation period ending soon? Oh god.”

Cocky little prick to “absolutely smash” interview


An overconfident graduate “will absolutely smash” his first stage interview for a manager’s job which is probably out of his reach, it has been revealed.

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Articulate gobshite, Nathan Bobson, 23, has spoken of his second stage being “just a formality”, thanks to his 2:1 degree in business studies and private schooling. The entitled little wanker detailed his preparation ahead of a first stage interview, revealing: “Well, you know, I’ve got a more expensive suit than probably whoever’s interviewing me.”

When quizzed about which qualities he believes he has over other candidates, the maverick douchebag, who worked at his father’s legal practice last summer, explained: “Look, I’m like, just better than the candidates? I mean I’ve got my degree and that’s what my tutors told me I can expect, even with no life experience – £30k and a car, at least.”

“As soon as they ask me ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ I can’t fail. I’ll say ‘In your job, but getting a promotion’. It’ll show them I’m more ambitious than the other cretins.”

“I won’t have questions other than ‘when can I start?’ or maybe ask about my bonus.”