Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith


Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed.

Owen Smith ISIS seat at the table
The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and current Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.

He commented: “It’s OK if you want to be a lefty. We’ll still, of course, accept your vote provided it’s, you know, for me.”

To a stunned crowd, the MP for something called Pontypridd admitted that grassroots party followers which support the party’s eventual leader, could even be involved in shaping Labour policy – something everyone else thought happened already. He explained: “In my opinion, these things more often then not come down to sitting down and talking about it. Not before ignoring the people we didn’t want to have to listen to in the first place, you understand.”

“It’s called democracy. Can’t I just win already?

Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners


Morons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged.

Normandy attack, ISIS, apologises, guardian readers

The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need not needlessly offend people”.

An open letter, published in the Guardian by a think-tank calling itself HalloumiSoldiers, called on IS leaders not to take the fallout “too seriously” by paying any attention to social media, adding “…most Brits won’t even be able to spell their insults properly anyway. Even so, surely we can all come together and both settle our difference with love over a bowl of ‘Lucky Charms’. How about it? Hit us back anyway.”

Simpleton Nathan Bobson, a Guardian-reading social media consultant, leapt to defend any cause remotely affiliated with IS, commenting: “I saw something from a friend on Facebook that said ‘religious fanatics behead non-believer; how is this not a religious atrocity? and I just though ‘oh God, how droll?!” clearly these people don’t represent mainstream Islam.”

The beardy wanker went on: “I mean, for westerners – all probably Christians as well, I bet – to bleat about ‘pain and suffering’ at the hands of a clearly oppressed religion really is beyond crass. I mean, have they even heard of something called The Crusades?”

Level-headed Becky Dinting, 27, retorted: “Fair point, but I thought your whole argument was around them not being religious… so which is it?”

Nathan wasn’t subsequently available for comment.