BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

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Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thin


An untrustworthy woman has been awkwardly passing off a mild addiction to Tinder as “just a laugh”, despite being in a committed relationship with another human being, it has been revealed.
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Married Janet Hayes, 34, insists no harm can come from her using the app, commenting: “It’s fine if nobody’s getting hurt, and he doesn’t actually see me do it.” The awful female said that she just wanted to see “what it was all about” after she installed the app eight months ago, adding: “It’s just like being on my friends Tinder, except I haven’t really got any single friends so I’m just using my phone instead.”

Asked if her use of Tinder has the blessing of her husband, the emotionally retarded cowbag commented: “Well no, why would I tell my husband when I know it’s just for a laugh? It’s not as if I’m going behind his back or anything if it’s just a bit of fun, is it?”

Best friend and compulsive gossip, Jackie Dinting, 33 said: “Maybe Janet thinks she does belong in a relationship, deep down, and that her decade long marriage isn’t on the rocks. I think she thinks we all believe her when she says she wouldn’t care if her husband was on it.”

“We just laugh along with her, but secretly we all think she’s disgusting.”

An insistent Mrs Hayes added: “OK well I guess if he specifically asks me, then I guess I’ll just tell him. Probably.”

“What do you mean by date?”