Nobody mentioning new baby’s horrific name


A newborn baby’s given name is causing no end of awkwardness as people avoid talking about how awful it is, it has been revealed.
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The awkwardness started when proud Dad, Nathan Bobson revealed the infant’s weird designation on Facebook.

The little cherub was welcomed into the world with a nearly-aspirational name, which sounds like it was entirely made up – and a silence only usually reserved for people introducing themselves as ‘Adolf’.

Close friend of the baby’s mother, Becky Dinting, 28, revealed: “I heard she was thinking about giving him three middle names… I just hope it’s not that ‘Love, Live, Laugh’ thing she has all over the walls.”

“It sounds like he was born in prison though. Judging from the name he’ll probably be a rapist who avidly reads ChaucerI was so thrilled to meet the little man. It’s such a shame for him, bless.”

“I’m going to be Godmother, though, so I guess there’s that!

Miss Dinting’s boyfriend, Adam Weston, concurred: “Honestly, I can’t even bring myself to say it. How do you have a baby and not think ‘will people think our baby has a shit name?'”

“Do you remember a few years back, when Royal Mail briefly changed its name to Consignia, but changed it back again because it was so bad people were threatening to riot?” 

“Well it’s like that but little ‘Consignia’ shits and cries all the time.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”

Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class Mothers


Dickhead Mothers who want “gender-neutrality” for their kids are achieving national coverage for overreacting to things everyone else barely even notices, it has been revealed.

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These entirely trivial things, which “threaten and oppress” their special fucking children, are also symptoms of our crumbling society, claims middle class MummyBlogger, Jane Robertson.

After recently making the schock discovery that the colour blue is most commonly associated with males, the halloumi-loving milf exclaimed: “So, because boys generally have blue bibs and stuff, I’m supposed to make my son watch Ultimate Fighting and bring him up to be a fucking rapist? I don’t think so.”

“I just keep imagining a future where Abraham grows up to me a man who can think of his wife as a sexual object and makes “surprise” dinner reservations without asking her first. He may as well even grow up to be good at football. Can you imagine that!?”

In surmising the root cause of pain and suffering to her privately educated spawn, the no-additives troll added: “I blame our patriarchal society. Men can’t just be people, what with all this archaic, gender-based conditioning.”

Five photos “not enough” to show how great life is, say childless women


Smug childless women are struggling to show just how great their lives are with just five photos on Facebook, it has emerged.

The “actually, genuinely happy without bragging about it” Facebook photo challenge is a call for all childless women to show what makes them happy in five photos, while giving the rest of us ten minutes peace from baby photos. Weirdly enough, everyone’s too busy to take the bait.

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29 year old Claire Gleeson, who has a cushy downtown flat with her best mate and fellow 10/10, Stella, said: “It’s a bit weird – you’d think we’re all bored or something to do some daft pointless trend on Facebook.” the PR exec squealed “Besides, between all the sex and holiday planning, there’s just too much to do. Eeeek!”

Becky Dinting, a 34 year old spinster and HR manager from Wilmslow criticised the tastefulness of the trend. Stating that her life of city breaks and afternoon tea is more than enough reward in itself without gloating, the milfy youngster added: “We want to show our solidarity for all the mums out there who’ve got too much on, what with constantly having apologise for their kids ruining the vibe in pubs every Sunday and all that. We should probably just let them have Facebook while we have a lie in instead.”

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Proud mum and keen kiddie snapper, Yvonne Downing, 27, agrees it’s probably for the best, stating: “Everyone knows Facebook is for kids photos anyway and you’re probably not a valid woman without a working uterus either. So these girls probably wouldn’t want to feign happiness with photos showing how they blow a month’s worth of nursery fees on sex-fuelled weekends in Marbella, or of their tits looking amazing in a bikini. And I can knock back wine as well as them, by the way. Just every now and again I do it, you know, to forget.”