BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

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Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

“Anyway, it’s a verbal contract, isn’t it? Not worth the paper they’re written on. Fucking mugs.”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”

“He’ll shit a brick.”

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BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
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Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The unemployed genius explained: “I’ve been through so much. You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate otherwise to us.”

Expanding upon on the his girlfriend’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debates. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true.”

“She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I ‘don’t even have a degree’, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents have just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

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“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide. That and the paradigm of the glass ceiling being broke means we’d no longer make such a big deal of a female state leader.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb, her father said. She has changed a bit, though, judging by some of the things she comes out with.”

“I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“She did get a first in her degree though, so I guess she’s earned all of her successes.”

BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
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Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for shit’s sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier. He’s probably here to see the directors, even though they don’t seem to have noticed.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”

Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dick


THAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to  park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed.
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Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in.

He commented: “Honnestly, I had no idea what those lines even were, haha. I’m shocked an appalled that other people think I’d purposely take up just the right amount of space to deter people from parking next to my car, just to avoid maybe scratching it…”

“The lease company would probably bill the company, but I wouldn’t care about paying for it myself anyway.”

Director Ray Dawson commented: “We’re all very pleased and relieved Nathan isn’t parking his BMW like some wet-nursed prick who doesn’t realise other people exist, anymore. I hope it’s got nothing to do with all the women in the office not really, you know, bothering with him.”

Payroll clerk, Sanrda Barnes said: “To be fair, this was only after a parking name and shame page was put up on the kitchen wall. His car was the only one on it.”

An helpful sounding Nathan concluded: “Can you still get in and out there? Thanks.”

People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds


Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed.
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The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything exists for their  sole amusement, even though what they’re laughing at usually isn’t funny.”

“Unfortunately it all stems from their over-protective parents treating them like little darlings. More often than not, individuals will turn into a horrible shit who somehow ends up running their own company.”

Hallmarks of the condition include complete contempt for other human beings and a distorted sense of social respectability. Other traits include a fondness of skiing and referring to ones self in the third person.

“Another key finding was that these individuals are the most likely to laugh at disabled or homeless people. They often add glib remarks which highlight fairly obvious observations which most of us wouldn’t find funny, let alone mention. It’s kind of like they’re being sarcastic but …not.” 

Study participant, Nathan Dobson, guffawed: “Woooo, nerrr, look at me. I don’t even have a house ’cause I’m so fucking special! It’s so funny. Haha.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”