BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
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Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The jobless genius explained: “I’ve been through so much? You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate to us otherwise.”

Elaborating on the graduate’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debated. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true. She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I “don’t even have a degree”, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

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“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb. She has changed a bit, though. I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“Having said that, she did get a first in her degree, so she’s earned all her successes.”

Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE stranger in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
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Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for goodness sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier, but he’s probably here to see the directors even though they don’t seem to be bothered.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”

Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dick


THAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to  park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed.
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Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in.

He commented: “Honnestly, I had no idea what those lines  even were. I’m shocked an appalled that other people think I’d purposely take up just the right amount of space to deter people from parking next to my car, just to avoid maybe scratching it.”

“The lease company would probably bill the company, but I wouldn’t care about paying for it myself anyway.”

Director Ray Dawson commented: “We’re all very pleased and relieved Nathan isn’t parking his BMW like some wet-nursed prick who doesn’t realise other people exist, anymore. I hope it’s got nothing to do with all the women in the office not really, you know, bothering with him.”

Payroll clerk, Sanrda Barnes said: “To be fair, this was only after a parking name and shame page was put up on the canteen wall. His car was the only one on it.”

An upbeat Nathan concluded: “Can you still get in and out there? Thanks.”

People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds


Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed.
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The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything exists for their  sole amusement, even though what they’re laughing at usually isn’t funny.”

“Unfortunately it all stems from their over-protective parents treating them like little darlings. More often than not, individuals will turn into a horrible shit who somehow ends up running their own company.”

Hallmarks of the condition include complete contempt for other human beings and a distorted sense of social respectability. Other traits include a fondness of skiing and referring to ones self in the third person.

“Another key finding was that these individuals are the most likely to laugh at disabled or homeless people. They often add glib remarks which highlight fairly obvious observations which most of us wouldn’t find funny, let alone mention. It’s kind of like they’re being sarcastic but …not.” 

Study participant, Nathan Dobson, guffawed: “Woooo, nerrr, look at me. I don’t even have a house ’cause I’m so fucking special! It’s so funny. Haha.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”

BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans


People who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged.

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The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal vote which has frightened half the country.

Non-racist British people now must negotiate with their families to travel to Benidorm or stay confined to their homes.

Student, Nathan Dobson, who voted to remain and maybe have the opportunity to work in Europe one day, exclaimed: “Hang on, Benidorm’s an actual place? I thought it was a TV show set in a dystopian future of travelling council estate pub? I mean that’s the whole premise, right? That it’d never, ever exist?”

“Oh my God, what have we done?!”

Brexiteer, Wayne Punter, lamented the victory’s loss on everyone else, commenting: “We’ve had too many foreigners here. It’s not right. If going abroad costs a bit more, then what’s the harm in that? You stick to yours and we’ll stick to ours.”

“Besides, what’s wrong with Beindorm? It’s just like here but you know, hot and that? I think the vote is good thing because you don’t see many University types there, so they probably won’t want to go.”

“Why would you want to visit the Amalfi coast anyway, with wines you’ve never seen in Spar and their not-Carling lager? Even the wafer thin ham is different there, although I’ve heard they even call that something foreign.”

“Imagine going on holiday to that!”